20 Something and Celibate?

I never thought I’d be the one take a vow of celibacy but low and behold, here I am 3 days into my celibacy vow and I feel like I’m finally going to resolve some of my issues. I’ve set a time frame of 12 to 15 months to hold this vow out. I think that should be ample time to get myself on track. I guess I should explain that my vow of celibacy comes after a weekend of crying and self realization. I’ve always known sex was a problem with me, I’ve always used it and abused it, but now it’s becoming a real psychological issue. I’ve dated some real assholes and I’ve been involved in some really shitty situations. Over the years I’ve adopted the mentality that if I sleep with a man, he’ll love me…which obviously isn’t the case. I no longer respect the commitment sex should represent, which I suppose I could partly blame on the media. Twenty years ago the term “fuck buddy” was nonexistent and now it’s become a part of people’s everyday vernacular.

I do think I’m worthy of being loved but I think it’s hard for others to love me when I don’t love myself. I started thinking about all the shit I’ve been through and I honestly don’t think there was ever a time in my life where I really loved myself. I’ve loved moments, memories, and situations but, I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself. I’ve never had a positive self image, and you could say my self esteem has always been pretty nonexistent. Obviously my eating disorder and history of self mutilation have both played a huge part in my lack of self love.

I’ve contacted my insurance company and have nailed down a psychologist (Dr. X) that has agreed to see me. I think my problem goes above and beyond the physical part and it’s a deep seeded emotional issue that desperately needs to be tended to. I attempted to look up the term “abusing sex” and nearly every article that popped up had to do with sexual abuse rather than people that have sex to fill a void. I don’t think I’m addicted to sex but I guess that’s something Dr. X will have to tell me. I don’t have any intentions of going back on medications (I’ve been on/off meds and in/out of therapy situations since I was 10 years old).

I have great people in my life, my job is finally satisfying, and my future is looking bright…so why do I feel so low?

I’m coming to terms,
I’m starting to learn,
This ain’t all it’s cracked up to be…
-Carolina Liar

XOXO - Maxine

In Memory of Rob

Blogging might have to take a back seat for a while. My life has been somewhat topsy turvy as of late and I’m not sure what it’s going to take to get it back on track. Last week was the 2 year anniversary of my brother’s best friend’s death. I didn’t think it would hit me at all, never mind the way it did but since that day I’ve just been hyper-emotional. I’ve never been a very good sleeper, I’d call a good night about 4 hours, but lately it’s been even less than that. Rob, my brother’s best friend, committed suicide just as my brother started taking him to therapy sessions. After Rob passed, my brother went mute for about two months. I don’t think it’s that he couldn’t talk; I think he just didn’t know what to say so he chose not to say anything. I guess the marking of Rob’s death hit me and took me off guard. I almost never go on myspace but for some reason I did last week and I saw that my brother had posted a blog (which basically stated Rob had passed away 2 years ago and that he missed him). I clicked on Rob’s page and saw literally hundreds of comments; all of which were prayers, memories, wishes, and thoughts. Within seconds I burst into tears and continued to sob for the better part of two hours. I’ve lost family members, even friends, to suicide, but for some reason this just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Suicide is always something that is viewed in a negative light, and rightfully so, but can you imagine being so low, so depressed, that you literally cannot bare to live one more day, one more minute? I’ve been depressed, heck, I’ve been suicidal and I know what it’s like to feel so dark and so alone. It’s a terrifying experience and one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I’ll keep it short since I’m being an uber Debbie Downer. The question I pose today is this: When a friend is depressed, how do you help them? What’s the best way to comfort someone who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Laugh through the pain…

XOXO - Maxine

20 for $10....But do you need it?

With a recession looming eminently overhead, I fear I’m going to turn into my grandmother, who hoards everything. You see, my grandma lives alone and has about 40lbs of butter in her basement freezer, she also owns about 7 cans of coffee but she only drinks tea. My grandma is about 92 and still very independent and does all her own food shopping but, being that she lived through some of the worst times in America’s economic history, she is very cautious about what she buys and she stocks up on almost everything. Today, I found myself buying things at the grocery store just because they were on sale and eventually I’m going to need them and when I will need them they’ll be more expensive. I’m really worried about this election sometimes and I haven’t blogged about politics for a while because I’m scared. I’ve learned that if I write them down, it’s real…if it’s an idea…it’s just an idea.
Anyway, things with Lousie have seemed to calm down and the apartment is returning to a general sense of normalcy. She has realized that 10mbf was really only interested in her for sex and that he isn’t the kind of person you’d want to have a relationship with anyway. I think it was just a harsh lesson she learned a little later than most people.
The question I pose today is this: Do you fear the looming recession? Have you since curbed your spending?

It’ll all get better in time…

XOXO - Maxine

Some Girls Never Learn

10mbf and Louise are speaking again. Apparently he’s treating the situation like it’s not big deal, whereas Louise is heartbroken. It pains me to see her hurting, c’mon I’m not totally heartless, but it’s also kind of sickening that she’s allowing this. I would have just cleaned my wounds and written it off as a learning experience (and I certainly would have gotten an STD test). Not every man is Prince Charming, oh and thanks Disney for making all girls think she’s going to be swept off her feet and live happily ever after…that’s not the case these days. I guess it’s just shocking to me that some people are still this naive when I’m as jaded as I am.
I guess this is the part in my blog that I should open up and let you in on why I’m as jaded as I am. I’ve been cheated on, abused, lied to, the whole nine yards but one instance in particular that makes me the way I am comes from a certain someone we’ll call Artsy McDouchebag. Artsy McDouchebag and I met when I was still in college. He worked as the assistant artistic director for a famous theater on Long Island and I fell head over heels for him from day one. He wasn’t like the other guys I had been involved with; he opened doors, held my hand, and waited until the third date before he even tried to kiss me. Fast forward about 14 months later. I was undergoing various health issues and my endocrinologist (fancy word for thyroid doctor) was testing me for thyroid cancer. I had developed huge lumps in my thyroid and my blood work was coming back fishy each time it was drawn. Artsy McDouchebag was very aware of my current health issues and was as supportive as anyone would expect a boyfriend to be. He came with me to doctor appointments, took me to get blood work done, and held me as I cried. We had talked about getting engaged and about having children and all that good stuff and I felt that this experience was only making us stronger. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. Eventually the stress of everything took a toll on my body and I stopped getting my period. Like any woman would do, I freaked out and took a pregnancy test, which came back positive. I called Artsy McDouchebag and told him about the situation…his response? “Don’t bullshit me” and I heard him hang up. I expected him to be upset and to freak out, but his reaction soon after broke my spirit for a long time to come. I gave him about two days to calm down and I made an appointment with my OBGYN. When I called him to ask him to come to the doctors’ appointment with me, I learned that his cell phone number had changed and that no further information was provided. I then drove to his house to see what the deal was and Mama Artsy McDouchebag informed me that he had moved down to South Carolina to work in a theater there and he is living with his cousin. As it turns out, I wasn’t pregnant and the lumps in my thyroid were concentrated pockets of something called Hashiomoto’s Disease. I haven’t spoken to Artsy McDouchebag in years; in fact he has no idea that isn’t a father. I’ve since realized that I am better off without someone like that in my life but the sting of what happened will always be with me.
After that little therapy session…the question today I pose is this: Have you been hurt by a loved one so severely that it’s jaded you? Are you more cautious when you encounter a similar situation?

That, that, that, that don’t kill me…will only make me stronger.

XOXO - Maine

What Grinds My Gears...

My blogging has severely taken a backseat and for that I am sorry…Anyway, here goes with today’s random rant. I did a large amount of driving recently and there are just too many things that happen on the road that piss me the hell off and I feel it necessary to share it with you…pictures and all. First of all, what is with those god damned stick figure people that soccer moms insist on putting in their rear windows that display each member of their family and, in some cases, they include their stupid ass pets. I don’t give a flying fuck who is in your family, I don’t care that you have three children that wear Mickey Mouse ear hats, and I certainly don’t give a fuck that you have a dog, a cat, a fish, and a bird…you’re not fucking Dr. Doolittle.

Secondly, I don’t give a fuck that you had a “baby on board” and there is no reason for you to display it in your windows. The fact that the spawn of a retard is in the car is not going to make me drive any better or any more cautiously...in fact, I’m probably going to speed up and pass you because your “baby on board” sign pisses me the shit off that I can not stand to drive near you anymore.

Third, I get that your religious, that’s your right…but do not cover your car in “I Love Jesus” and “Jesus Saves” bumper stickers. I don’t fucking care and I have the feeling Jesus doesn’t want white trash fucks covering their car with bible scripture. Forth, if it’s raining there is no need to be in the left hand lane, going 45 miles an hour, with your four way flashers on…WE KNOW IT’S RAINING!

Fifth (and probably most importantly), it’s wonderful that you’re a philanthropist, I love charity too, but wouldn’t it make more sense to donate that $5 to said philanthropic cause than to give it to CVS for a ribbon magnet that shows the whole world you’re a giver. Besides, isn’t it better to give anonymously and rejoice in the fact that you did something good than to boast about it?

The question of the day is this: When driving, what is the one thing that drives you absolutely insane?

I am no hussy!

I’m keeping it short tonight for the simple reason that I’m infuriated. I’m not going to talk about the debate because in my opinion Obama swept, McCain looked like a chipmunk (or as my father said “Did you see his face? What is up with that!”)
Why are you mad Maxine? I’m mad because my brother called me a hussy. I went on a date with someone last week and then last night I went out with a different man. What is so wrong with dating different men? When did taking a girl out and spending $50 on dinner mean she can’t date anyone else? Last time I checked…that wasn’t a relationship! If a man dates different women, it’s fine and he’s normal…when a woman does it she’s a hussy. I am NOT a hussy, I just like the company of various people. That doesn’t mean that if you buy me dinner I’m going to jerk you off, give you a blow job, or do the horizontal tango with you. I’m not a common whore, sorry to disappoint.
Enough is enough; the question I pose today is this: When a man takes you on a date (or you take a woman on a date…what have you) do you feel obligated to date only him? If you go on dates with other men, do you let them know there is more than one person in the picture?

When did feeling this good become so bad?

XOXO - Maxine

Listen Up Pin Heads!

I think I’m really horrible at blogging on Fridays and for that I apologize. I get so caught up in the celebration that is Friday, that my normal tasks escape my mind. Any who…10mbf hasn’t spoken to Louise since the incident last week and I wish I could say I was surprised…but what kind of upstanding, tax paying, birthday remembering man wears Timberland boots, basketball shorts, and a wife beater? Last I checked…no one. I do feel bad for her, kind of; she cleaned the apartment, baked cookies, and shaved her cooter. I think she got really excited only to be let down, which (even though Helen Keller saw it coming) sucks. I don’t know what she was thinking with him, from the 10 minutes worth of interaction I had to struggle through, I’ve come to the conclusion that he isn’t exactly the kind of man I’d take home and show off to friends and family, granted I don’t date the best men either, but that’s another story.
So the rescue bailout passed…but uh, the DOW closed today at 370 (after plunging 800). So is that better or worse? I came across a N.Y. Times article that really explains the bailout and put it into terms I think, and hope, everyone can understand. If you’re unsure of what the bailout really means, what it does, and who it affects, check the link below. Oh and according to the L.A. Times we’re in for a 5th bailout (for those of you who aren’t closely following…right now we’re at four with: Bear Stearns, Fannie-Freddie, AIG, and the Paulson plan.)

On a more random note, recently discovered by Noam Scheiber was a piece of paper from an 1996 Wasilla city budget, on the back of which Sarah Palin doodled and brainstormed her potential mayoral campaign themes ("time for a change," "you would be my boss!") and qualifications ("life-long alaskan," "NRA supporter," "taxpayer!"). Also has anyone heard that John McCain’s brother thinks Northern Virginia is “Communist country?” Way to be! While surfing youtube.com this weekend, I came across a video of a little boy playing Bill O’Reilly and it really made me laugh (link at the bottom).
The question I pose today is this: Do you watch the debates/follow politics? If you do, what’s your reaction to the current pickle we’re in?

McPalin: It’s give you heartburn and a double chin!

XOXO - Maxine

For the N.Y. Times bailout explanation:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/21/business/21qanda.html

For the L.A. Times bailout article:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/laland/2008/10/hating-the-bail.html

For a high quality scan of Palin's doodles:

http://www.tnr.com/OnlineScan.pdf

For John McCain’s brother being a jack ass: http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hby_5Pku5ywmfC_rEtEV5BcYKR5gD93KDFPO0

For the Lil O’Reilly video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-teM03FPUow

And So The Story Goes

I woke up today to find 10mbf had evacuated the premises and Louise was wondering what happened. I stumbled into the kitchen in search of caffeine and was bombarded with Louise’s’ story of her romantic tryst (I was not in the mood). Apparently they...boned…and then in the middle of the night, he just up and left, leaving her confused, bewildered, and just depressed. I attempted to console her; I told her she’s better off without someone like that in her life, she’s better off just masturbating more, yada yada…but really, I was laughing. I was jumping up and down scream “TOLD YOU!” I was being kind on the outside, but I was laughing on the inside. I then scurried off to work, knowing my day could only get exponentially better (which it did).
With the debate looming overhead…I found this little gem that begs you NOT to vote and then provides you the reasons that…ok….maybe you should. Either way, it’s clever.

I’ve never done shit on drugs besides play a lot of Halo 2…

XOXO - Maxine

For the “Don’t Vote” video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UaRXvRwhOk

Not Enough Advil In This Hemisphere

Just when you think it can’t get weirder…IT DOES! I was out with Cassie this evening and my phone kept telling me I had emails waiting for me but, seeing as I was having a nice time, I chose to ignore them. When I finally returned home, I logged into my email to find a message from an old flame named Jackson. My immediate reaction was to delete this particular piece of correspondence and move on with my life; however, the more I thought about it, the more I feel it merited a response. Now, here comes the embarrassing part of this story: the email I received was in response to an online dating website (where, for numerous reasons, I haven’t posted pictures). I am 99% positive that Jackson had no idea he was responding to me and that’s why a response was hard to write...very much like the Rupert Holmes' song "If You Like Pina Coladas." When we dated, I thought we (both he and I) had a good time but, seeing as he just suddenly stopped calling me, I assumed that wasn’t the case, swallowed my pride, and moved on. I wasn’t sure how to respond to his email without embarrassing myself so I did so in a manner that I felt was acceptable. Fear not, I’ll keep you all updated on the Jackson drama (if any arises!).
Now onto the Louise/10mbf situation…as stated yesterday, he did in fact come to spend time here, and as expected they had sex (finally!). When Cassie and I returned home from our evening frolicking around the city, Louise cornered us and informed us that Carl was now acting weird, my mental response went something like this “Well yes Louise…a man that you’ve known for about 10 minutes comes over to “hang out” with you, you then have sex, and you then are stuck dealing with the awkward aftermath of sex with a stranger! Very good!” Sometimes her naïveté is adorable, while other times it’s just annoying. I’m hoping that the horizontal tango loosened the stick from her bum. I would not be surprised if he up and left in the middle of the night (I just hope he locks the door on the way out!) but if he does stick around I’m looking forward to a painfully awkward morning.
What a night! The question I pose today is this: Have you ever taken pleasure in friends’ relationship woes? Does the phrase “better you than me” cross your mind from time to time?

You are just ridiculous -

XOXO - Maxine