20 Something and Celibate?

I never thought I’d be the one take a vow of celibacy but low and behold, here I am 3 days into my celibacy vow and I feel like I’m finally going to resolve some of my issues. I’ve set a time frame of 12 to 15 months to hold this vow out. I think that should be ample time to get myself on track. I guess I should explain that my vow of celibacy comes after a weekend of crying and self realization. I’ve always known sex was a problem with me, I’ve always used it and abused it, but now it’s becoming a real psychological issue. I’ve dated some real assholes and I’ve been involved in some really shitty situations. Over the years I’ve adopted the mentality that if I sleep with a man, he’ll love me…which obviously isn’t the case. I no longer respect the commitment sex should represent, which I suppose I could partly blame on the media. Twenty years ago the term “fuck buddy” was nonexistent and now it’s become a part of people’s everyday vernacular.

I do think I’m worthy of being loved but I think it’s hard for others to love me when I don’t love myself. I started thinking about all the shit I’ve been through and I honestly don’t think there was ever a time in my life where I really loved myself. I’ve loved moments, memories, and situations but, I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself. I’ve never had a positive self image, and you could say my self esteem has always been pretty nonexistent. Obviously my eating disorder and history of self mutilation have both played a huge part in my lack of self love.

I’ve contacted my insurance company and have nailed down a psychologist (Dr. X) that has agreed to see me. I think my problem goes above and beyond the physical part and it’s a deep seeded emotional issue that desperately needs to be tended to. I attempted to look up the term “abusing sex” and nearly every article that popped up had to do with sexual abuse rather than people that have sex to fill a void. I don’t think I’m addicted to sex but I guess that’s something Dr. X will have to tell me. I don’t have any intentions of going back on medications (I’ve been on/off meds and in/out of therapy situations since I was 10 years old).

I have great people in my life, my job is finally satisfying, and my future is looking bright…so why do I feel so low?

I’m coming to terms,
I’m starting to learn,
This ain’t all it’s cracked up to be…
-Carolina Liar

XOXO - Maxine