A Moment Of Clarity (?)

Seeing as I’ve been rather down in the dumps lately, it was very surprising to me that I enjoyed this past Thanksgiving holiday. You see, holidays in the past have mangled me with fear – to the point of serious self medication, so I went into this most recent family gathering expecting a repeat of previous ones however, this holiday was unlike most (much to my shock and surprise). My brother and I shared some really great laughs (obviously at the expense of my extended family), my friends and I did some pretty humorous things, and I was pleased to end the weekend with a contented sigh and a smile on my face. It’s been a long, long, long time since I’ve experienced a moment of absolute, serene, complete peace, comfort, and happiness. I am overjoyed to say that this past week was full of moments like those.
Someone made me a mix CD recently and a cover of The Knife’s song “Heartbeats” done by Jose Gonzales was included in it…I’ve always loved the song but this version of it was really just breathtaking. I suggest turning up the volume and pressing play.

Lastly, I’ve been branching out and reading other blogs and I’ve come across something called “Thursday 13” – in which said blogger lists 13 things (obviously having to do with a topic). I’ve decided to adopt it and make it my own (and by my own I mean I’ll probably randomly post 13 things on various days) -- And without further ado, I present

The Fabulous Maxine: Random 13 List of Things – Thanksgiving Edition:

13.) People that I can sit in silence with for hours and feel completely comfortable around

12.) Lands End (not the clothing line) & Coffee

11.) Candles

10.) My bed
9.) Music
8.) Literature in any form
7.) Creativity
6.) Humor, Laughter, Smiles
5.) Love – in any form
4.) My freedom
3.) My fantastic friends
2.) My health (no it’s not great – but I’m not dead)
1.) My family

*I just have to remind myself to calm down, breath, enjoy the moment, not worry about the future, not think too into things, and enjoy the fact that I am alive*

One night of magic rush

The start: a simple touch

One night to push and scream

And then relief

- The Knife

XOXO - Maxine

Because after all...I am pretty lame...

1. How many keys are on your keychain? 3 (1 - car, 1 - apartment, 1 - to my parents place)

2. If you were given a canvas and watercolors, what would you paint? strife

3. What do you regard as the most repulsive form of music? techno

4. Whose mind, besides your own, would you like to control? whichever corporate big-wig that comes up with the prices of various items

5. What is the most dangerous occupation? electric chair tester

6. What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed? rub my eyes/scratch my head

7.What do you consider the greatest threat to mankind? religious radicals

8. If you could project yourself into the past, where would you go? 1947 or 1951

9. What are you thankful you are not doing right now? finding out the results to my HIV test are +

10.What is your favorite kind of candy? chocolate twizzlers

11. What is your favorite thing about the beach? the smell

12. If you were invisible, where would you go? everywhere

13. What is one object in your home that you are embarrassed to own? lame CDs...?

14. Fill in the blank; When I dance, I look like: an awkward, uncomfortable, out of place epileptic having a full blown grand-mal seizure

15. Who is one person you wish you would have never met? ex-boyfriends

16. What is your favorite fruit? all the kinds i'm allergic to

17. What is your favorite kind of cookie? oatmeal raisin/chocolate-coconut

18. If you were an evil dictator, where would you rule? Gary, Indiana

19. What do you need to get right now at the drug store? contact solution

20. What song do you keep hearing over and over again? the general - dispatch

21. What was the happiest age of your life? late 16 - most of 17

22. What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own? a pair of horrible black yoga pants (that everyone hates) that make my butt look amazing, a hooded sweatshirt that belonged to an ex, and a
knit cap (i usually wear all of these items at once...i'm classy)

23. What two words describe your lifestyle? gravy train

24. Which ocean creature fascinates you most? turtles

25. On a scale of 1-10; how religious are you? does screaming "oh god" during sex count as being religious?

26. What historical figure would you most like to have a discussion with? gloria steinem

27. What color looks best on you? black/blue (but not a black & blue bruise)

28. What is your favorite thing about being sick? nothing?

29. Whats new? my phone needs to be fixed...that's new

30. Why are you here right now? lunch break/blogging delema

31. What commercial do you find most annoying? freecreditreport.com

32. What was your favorite meal growing up? chicken with rice and dumplings

33. If you had to spend the rest of your life in one place, where would it be? anywhere near the ocean

34. Fill in the blank; I am so much smarter than: most people give me credit for

35. What one person or thing reminds you of the 80s? the smell of arisol hairspray

36. What is college really good for? debt

37. Where is the most beautiful place you have ever been? lands end

38. What body part aches you the most right now? my scalp

39. When is the angriest you have ever been? recently - when i screamed at louise...ever - most of 2004

40. What do you waste your time doing? socializing with horrible people

41. On a scale of 1-10; how much do you trust people? -14

42. If you were forced to choose your own death, how would you die? at a roller skating championship

43. On a scale of 1-10; how photogenic are you? -19 (i always end up looking like an overweight, squinty eyed, ape)

44. What aspect of your personality could use a little work? my trust issues/my paranoia issues

45. What is your greatest addiction? coffee/obsessing over things/love

46. What issue are you sick of hearing about? abortions

47. If you were a professional wrestler, what would your ring name be? vlad

48. What language would you like to master? english

49. What is your favorite dish at a Chinese restaurant? it's called seafood nest (it's from this place my parents used to take me to)

50. Who would you least likely expect a phone call from? Artsy McDoucheBag/Louise/Slurms/Jake

51. What is the longest you have ever gone without a shower? 20 hours

52. What is the saddest movie you have ever seen? i cry easily

53. What time do you usually fall asleep? between 2am-4am

54. Where is the worst place to be stuck waiting? the drive-thru

55. What is the cutest animal on Earth? chipmunks

56. Name one celebrity that has no right being a celebrity? madonnas unibrowed daughter

57. What hobby have you always wanted to pick up? competitive food-eating

You're the failed attempts I never could forget...

I find myself becoming more jealous as I get older. I find it hard to be happy for others when I'm so horridly miserable myself. I used to be good at things, really good at things...and I just let my talents fall by the wayside because I either wasn't in the spotlight enough or I was in the spotlight too much (it's a catch 22 I assure you). I stopped caring and for that I hate myself. I hate hearing about other peoples incredible lives because mine is so meaningless and uneventful. I hate waking up because I feel like it's another opportunity for me to let someone else down, more specifically...members of my family. I hate being alone because it means theres more uninterrupted time for me to be alone in my head. I'm ready to bathe and become new...however, that's not always the outcome.

Let's get fucked up and die,
I am speaking figuratively of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
- Motion City Soundtrack

XOXO - Maxine

Sunday Funday

I’ve decided to put my life into list form, things to read, movies to see, things to do…etcetera, etcetera, blah, blah, blah. Here goes nothing (let the ridicule begin!);

Things to Read:
Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin
Lolita by Valdimir Nabokov (I own it, I just haven’t read it)
The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
More of anything written by Augustine Burroughs

Movies to Watch:
Donnie Darko (I watched it about 5 times in the past month and it only gets better)
Rachel Getting Married
Hair: The Musical
Reservoir Dogs (I’ve attempted to watch this and I fell asleep in my couch -- twice)

Things to Do:
December 31st in Times Square (Never done it…Failure)
Sail a Boat (I’ve been taken sailing, but I’ve never DONE the sailing)
Dye my hair (I have 100% virgin hair)
Fall in love with myself (Hardest concept thus far)

On a more blog worthy note, my celibacy pact (which started on October 26th) has officially been official (?) for 3 entire weeks. I’m being honest with my friends (both male/female and both of the plutonic/non-plutonic nature) and with myself about it. I haven’t brought myself to tell my mother about it because how does one adequately say “Oh momma, by the way….um, I think I’ve been abusing sex for the past X years and I might even be a sex addict” without said mom breaking down in hysterics and then morphing into an angry, confused, scared lump of the once strong person she was? I don’t think that’s possible and besides, who really wants to share their sexual escapades with their mother?
Ugh, Louise went to her grandmothers this weekend and I have to admit I’m dreading her return. Once again I’ve asked her if we could talk about the issues we both seem to have with each other and once again she’s ignored my attempt at reconciliation. This would be the second time I’ve attempted to rekindle any form of friendship between us and I am sick and tired of trying and not having my actions be recognized, I’m not trying again….screw it. I normally don’t give people multiple get out of jail free passes (unless it’s someone I truly love/care about).
I’m also kind of slipping back into old, familiar, dangerous habits. I’ve been really restricting my calorie intake (sometimes I’ll eat between 200-500 calories a day). It scares me that I feel powerful knowing I’m not eating and it absolutely terrifies me that I feel complete elation when I step on the scale and it is less than the previous scale number. I still haven’t been able to see Dr. X but he says he’ll have room for me after Christmas. I know this is something that needs to be addressed.
And lastly, I think I’m going back to being a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian for most of high school but I sort of grew out of it. Who knows, I might even give the raw food movement a go…

And the silence; it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared.
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind.
- Death Cab for Cutie

XOXO - Maxine

"I rub chocolate sauce all over my shite before I get sucked off...it's my way of saying thanks"

I’ve recently rediscovered my love for obnoxiously long baths and have even gone as far as to choreograph play lists. It’s amazing how therapeutic a bath can be, the calming warmth of the water embracing every inch of skin, the soothing smell of lavender and chamomile centering you after a hectic day, the subtle flicker of a candle on the ledge lulling you into relaxation. I love the point in a bath where your muscles become so relaxed they feel as if they could just melt off the bone like an order of barbequed ribs. Long baths allow my mind to wander and think about the ways of yesteryear. I really miss being at the age that if a kid had a 5 inch rat tail and a teenage mutant ninja turtle shirt; he was the cool kid on the playground.
On a slightly less exciting note…I’ve picked up smoking (again). Marlboro reds are my new cancer stick of choice. I’m not proud of it but it beats the alternative, a nervous breakdown.
Oh and Louise is now, completely and utterly, ignoring me. She hasn’t spoken more than 10 words to me in the past week. I’m at the point that I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. I know I have a lot to offer a friendship and if you don’t have the decency to accept my attempts at befriending you, then up your nose with a rubber hose (yes, I have in fact been hanging around the senior center, thanks).

Shelter me oh genius words
Just give me strength
Just to pen these things
And give me peace to well her wings
- Cartel

XOXO Maxine

I Want To Read Good News

I feel detached from reality lately. My heart hurts most of the time and my body is breaking down because of it. I’m slowly realizing my problems are bigger than I had ever imagined. I cry now, more than I think I ever did. I wear my heart on my sleeve and for that I suffer greatly. I am in love with people that can never and will never love me in the way I so desperately yearn for them to. To say I feel inadequate is to put it gently. I want more than anything to say “I love you more than you will ever know. You barely recognize my meek existence, yet I take in every subtle movement you make as if each step landed on my heart. Your smile makes me feel as if all the wrong is the world will be suddenly set right.” Yet I know I’d never muster the courage so instead I’ll cower behind my words.

My heart aches in a way I’ve never experienced before and I fear being alone more than anything. My thoughts have become so scattered, varied, agonizing, and terrifying that five minutes of silence seems like ten years in hell. I’m afraid of retreating to my old ways and engaging in self injurious behaviors again. It seemed, at one point, the only stable thing in my life, and the driving force behind any sense of control. I don’t know how to be happy; I don’t know how to live anymore. I’ve never been able to look in a mirror and smile at the simple fact that I was alive; rather I’d curse the sun for rising on me again.

I know it’s sick but sometimes I wish I’d be struck with a fatal illness so I could just pass away and eventually fade out in people’s memories. I’m too much of a chicken to kill myself and I know my family would never recover from such a desperate act. I just need it to end sometimes. I feel like Sylvia Plath.

I have seen the others,
And I have discovered,
That this fight is not worth fighting…
-Dispatch

XOXO - Maxine