Writings

Point of View: Body

I have been lived in...
I have scars & scrapes
I have wrinkles & gray strays
I have stretch marks & callouses

I have been lived in...
I have shed tears of joy & screamed in pain
I have seen war & victory
I have loved & lost

I have been lived in....
I have been above the clouds & below the ocean
I have held hands & kissed cheeks
I have shivered & sweat

I have been lived in...
I have been lived in and it was good
I have been lived in and it was bad
I have been lived in and I have proof

Random 13 List of Things - Things I'm So Over Edition

This particular list is more of a mental purge for me. I hope that by putting down the things I am over in a blog, I will actually get over them in real life. Here goes:

13.) Facebook
12.) Text message forwards
11.) People telling me that Macs are better than PCs
10.) WhopperVirgins.com (way to Westernize EVERYTHING)
9.) Fake people
8.) Calorie counting
7.) TMJ
6.) Sarah Palin jokes
5.) Twilight book series
4.) Loving people that won't love you back
3.) Living over 6 hours from some of the most amazing people in the world
2.) Putting stock in the wrong people
1.) Holding on too long

*And on a side note, I've started listening to tons of rap...

You kick it like me, no exaggeration necessary
Livin' revolutionary, nothin' less than legendary
Gangsta shit hereditary, got it from my dad
Flow colder than February with extraordinary swag
- T.I.

XOXO - Maxine

A Moment Of Clarity (?)

Seeing as I’ve been rather down in the dumps lately, it was very surprising to me that I enjoyed this past Thanksgiving holiday. You see, holidays in the past have mangled me with fear – to the point of serious self medication, so I went into this most recent family gathering expecting a repeat of previous ones however, this holiday was unlike most (much to my shock and surprise). My brother and I shared some really great laughs (obviously at the expense of my extended family), my friends and I did some pretty humorous things, and I was pleased to end the weekend with a contented sigh and a smile on my face. It’s been a long, long, long time since I’ve experienced a moment of absolute, serene, complete peace, comfort, and happiness. I am overjoyed to say that this past week was full of moments like those.
Someone made me a mix CD recently and a cover of The Knife’s song “Heartbeats” done by Jose Gonzales was included in it…I’ve always loved the song but this version of it was really just breathtaking. I suggest turning up the volume and pressing play.

Lastly, I’ve been branching out and reading other blogs and I’ve come across something called “Thursday 13” – in which said blogger lists 13 things (obviously having to do with a topic). I’ve decided to adopt it and make it my own (and by my own I mean I’ll probably randomly post 13 things on various days) -- And without further ado, I present

The Fabulous Maxine: Random 13 List of Things – Thanksgiving Edition:

13.) People that I can sit in silence with for hours and feel completely comfortable around

12.) Lands End (not the clothing line) & Coffee

11.) Candles

10.) My bed
9.) Music
8.) Literature in any form
7.) Creativity
6.) Humor, Laughter, Smiles
5.) Love – in any form
4.) My freedom
3.) My fantastic friends
2.) My health (no it’s not great – but I’m not dead)
1.) My family

*I just have to remind myself to calm down, breath, enjoy the moment, not worry about the future, not think too into things, and enjoy the fact that I am alive*

One night of magic rush

The start: a simple touch

One night to push and scream

And then relief

- The Knife

XOXO - Maxine

Because after all...I am pretty lame...

1. How many keys are on your keychain? 3 (1 - car, 1 - apartment, 1 - to my parents place)

2. If you were given a canvas and watercolors, what would you paint? strife

3. What do you regard as the most repulsive form of music? techno

4. Whose mind, besides your own, would you like to control? whichever corporate big-wig that comes up with the prices of various items

5. What is the most dangerous occupation? electric chair tester

6. What is the first thing you do when you get out of bed? rub my eyes/scratch my head

7.What do you consider the greatest threat to mankind? religious radicals

8. If you could project yourself into the past, where would you go? 1947 or 1951

9. What are you thankful you are not doing right now? finding out the results to my HIV test are +

10.What is your favorite kind of candy? chocolate twizzlers

11. What is your favorite thing about the beach? the smell

12. If you were invisible, where would you go? everywhere

13. What is one object in your home that you are embarrassed to own? lame CDs...?

14. Fill in the blank; When I dance, I look like: an awkward, uncomfortable, out of place epileptic having a full blown grand-mal seizure

15. Who is one person you wish you would have never met? ex-boyfriends

16. What is your favorite fruit? all the kinds i'm allergic to

17. What is your favorite kind of cookie? oatmeal raisin/chocolate-coconut

18. If you were an evil dictator, where would you rule? Gary, Indiana

19. What do you need to get right now at the drug store? contact solution

20. What song do you keep hearing over and over again? the general - dispatch

21. What was the happiest age of your life? late 16 - most of 17

22. What is your favorite piece of clothing that you own? a pair of horrible black yoga pants (that everyone hates) that make my butt look amazing, a hooded sweatshirt that belonged to an ex, and a
knit cap (i usually wear all of these items at once...i'm classy)

23. What two words describe your lifestyle? gravy train

24. Which ocean creature fascinates you most? turtles

25. On a scale of 1-10; how religious are you? does screaming "oh god" during sex count as being religious?

26. What historical figure would you most like to have a discussion with? gloria steinem

27. What color looks best on you? black/blue (but not a black & blue bruise)

28. What is your favorite thing about being sick? nothing?

29. Whats new? my phone needs to be fixed...that's new

30. Why are you here right now? lunch break/blogging delema

31. What commercial do you find most annoying? freecreditreport.com

32. What was your favorite meal growing up? chicken with rice and dumplings

33. If you had to spend the rest of your life in one place, where would it be? anywhere near the ocean

34. Fill in the blank; I am so much smarter than: most people give me credit for

35. What one person or thing reminds you of the 80s? the smell of arisol hairspray

36. What is college really good for? debt

37. Where is the most beautiful place you have ever been? lands end

38. What body part aches you the most right now? my scalp

39. When is the angriest you have ever been? recently - when i screamed at louise...ever - most of 2004

40. What do you waste your time doing? socializing with horrible people

41. On a scale of 1-10; how much do you trust people? -14

42. If you were forced to choose your own death, how would you die? at a roller skating championship

43. On a scale of 1-10; how photogenic are you? -19 (i always end up looking like an overweight, squinty eyed, ape)

44. What aspect of your personality could use a little work? my trust issues/my paranoia issues

45. What is your greatest addiction? coffee/obsessing over things/love

46. What issue are you sick of hearing about? abortions

47. If you were a professional wrestler, what would your ring name be? vlad

48. What language would you like to master? english

49. What is your favorite dish at a Chinese restaurant? it's called seafood nest (it's from this place my parents used to take me to)

50. Who would you least likely expect a phone call from? Artsy McDoucheBag/Louise/Slurms/Jake

51. What is the longest you have ever gone without a shower? 20 hours

52. What is the saddest movie you have ever seen? i cry easily

53. What time do you usually fall asleep? between 2am-4am

54. Where is the worst place to be stuck waiting? the drive-thru

55. What is the cutest animal on Earth? chipmunks

56. Name one celebrity that has no right being a celebrity? madonnas unibrowed daughter

57. What hobby have you always wanted to pick up? competitive food-eating

You're the failed attempts I never could forget...

I find myself becoming more jealous as I get older. I find it hard to be happy for others when I'm so horridly miserable myself. I used to be good at things, really good at things...and I just let my talents fall by the wayside because I either wasn't in the spotlight enough or I was in the spotlight too much (it's a catch 22 I assure you). I stopped caring and for that I hate myself. I hate hearing about other peoples incredible lives because mine is so meaningless and uneventful. I hate waking up because I feel like it's another opportunity for me to let someone else down, more specifically...members of my family. I hate being alone because it means theres more uninterrupted time for me to be alone in my head. I'm ready to bathe and become new...however, that's not always the outcome.

Let's get fucked up and die,
I am speaking figuratively of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
- Motion City Soundtrack

XOXO - Maxine

Sunday Funday

I’ve decided to put my life into list form, things to read, movies to see, things to do…etcetera, etcetera, blah, blah, blah. Here goes nothing (let the ridicule begin!);

Things to Read:
Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin
Lolita by Valdimir Nabokov (I own it, I just haven’t read it)
The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
More of anything written by Augustine Burroughs

Movies to Watch:
Donnie Darko (I watched it about 5 times in the past month and it only gets better)
Rachel Getting Married
Hair: The Musical
Reservoir Dogs (I’ve attempted to watch this and I fell asleep in my couch -- twice)

Things to Do:
December 31st in Times Square (Never done it…Failure)
Sail a Boat (I’ve been taken sailing, but I’ve never DONE the sailing)
Dye my hair (I have 100% virgin hair)
Fall in love with myself (Hardest concept thus far)

On a more blog worthy note, my celibacy pact (which started on October 26th) has officially been official (?) for 3 entire weeks. I’m being honest with my friends (both male/female and both of the plutonic/non-plutonic nature) and with myself about it. I haven’t brought myself to tell my mother about it because how does one adequately say “Oh momma, by the way….um, I think I’ve been abusing sex for the past X years and I might even be a sex addict” without said mom breaking down in hysterics and then morphing into an angry, confused, scared lump of the once strong person she was? I don’t think that’s possible and besides, who really wants to share their sexual escapades with their mother?
Ugh, Louise went to her grandmothers this weekend and I have to admit I’m dreading her return. Once again I’ve asked her if we could talk about the issues we both seem to have with each other and once again she’s ignored my attempt at reconciliation. This would be the second time I’ve attempted to rekindle any form of friendship between us and I am sick and tired of trying and not having my actions be recognized, I’m not trying again….screw it. I normally don’t give people multiple get out of jail free passes (unless it’s someone I truly love/care about).
I’m also kind of slipping back into old, familiar, dangerous habits. I’ve been really restricting my calorie intake (sometimes I’ll eat between 200-500 calories a day). It scares me that I feel powerful knowing I’m not eating and it absolutely terrifies me that I feel complete elation when I step on the scale and it is less than the previous scale number. I still haven’t been able to see Dr. X but he says he’ll have room for me after Christmas. I know this is something that needs to be addressed.
And lastly, I think I’m going back to being a vegetarian. I was a vegetarian for most of high school but I sort of grew out of it. Who knows, I might even give the raw food movement a go…

And the silence; it became so very clear
That you had long ago disappeared.
I cursed myself for being surprised
That this didn't play like it did in my mind.
- Death Cab for Cutie

XOXO - Maxine

"I rub chocolate sauce all over my shite before I get sucked off...it's my way of saying thanks"

I’ve recently rediscovered my love for obnoxiously long baths and have even gone as far as to choreograph play lists. It’s amazing how therapeutic a bath can be, the calming warmth of the water embracing every inch of skin, the soothing smell of lavender and chamomile centering you after a hectic day, the subtle flicker of a candle on the ledge lulling you into relaxation. I love the point in a bath where your muscles become so relaxed they feel as if they could just melt off the bone like an order of barbequed ribs. Long baths allow my mind to wander and think about the ways of yesteryear. I really miss being at the age that if a kid had a 5 inch rat tail and a teenage mutant ninja turtle shirt; he was the cool kid on the playground.
On a slightly less exciting note…I’ve picked up smoking (again). Marlboro reds are my new cancer stick of choice. I’m not proud of it but it beats the alternative, a nervous breakdown.
Oh and Louise is now, completely and utterly, ignoring me. She hasn’t spoken more than 10 words to me in the past week. I’m at the point that I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. I know I have a lot to offer a friendship and if you don’t have the decency to accept my attempts at befriending you, then up your nose with a rubber hose (yes, I have in fact been hanging around the senior center, thanks).

Shelter me oh genius words
Just give me strength
Just to pen these things
And give me peace to well her wings
- Cartel

XOXO Maxine

I Want To Read Good News

I feel detached from reality lately. My heart hurts most of the time and my body is breaking down because of it. I’m slowly realizing my problems are bigger than I had ever imagined. I cry now, more than I think I ever did. I wear my heart on my sleeve and for that I suffer greatly. I am in love with people that can never and will never love me in the way I so desperately yearn for them to. To say I feel inadequate is to put it gently. I want more than anything to say “I love you more than you will ever know. You barely recognize my meek existence, yet I take in every subtle movement you make as if each step landed on my heart. Your smile makes me feel as if all the wrong is the world will be suddenly set right.” Yet I know I’d never muster the courage so instead I’ll cower behind my words.

My heart aches in a way I’ve never experienced before and I fear being alone more than anything. My thoughts have become so scattered, varied, agonizing, and terrifying that five minutes of silence seems like ten years in hell. I’m afraid of retreating to my old ways and engaging in self injurious behaviors again. It seemed, at one point, the only stable thing in my life, and the driving force behind any sense of control. I don’t know how to be happy; I don’t know how to live anymore. I’ve never been able to look in a mirror and smile at the simple fact that I was alive; rather I’d curse the sun for rising on me again.

I know it’s sick but sometimes I wish I’d be struck with a fatal illness so I could just pass away and eventually fade out in people’s memories. I’m too much of a chicken to kill myself and I know my family would never recover from such a desperate act. I just need it to end sometimes. I feel like Sylvia Plath.

I have seen the others,
And I have discovered,
That this fight is not worth fighting…
-Dispatch

XOXO - Maxine

20 Something and Celibate?

I never thought I’d be the one take a vow of celibacy but low and behold, here I am 3 days into my celibacy vow and I feel like I’m finally going to resolve some of my issues. I’ve set a time frame of 12 to 15 months to hold this vow out. I think that should be ample time to get myself on track. I guess I should explain that my vow of celibacy comes after a weekend of crying and self realization. I’ve always known sex was a problem with me, I’ve always used it and abused it, but now it’s becoming a real psychological issue. I’ve dated some real assholes and I’ve been involved in some really shitty situations. Over the years I’ve adopted the mentality that if I sleep with a man, he’ll love me…which obviously isn’t the case. I no longer respect the commitment sex should represent, which I suppose I could partly blame on the media. Twenty years ago the term “fuck buddy” was nonexistent and now it’s become a part of people’s everyday vernacular.

I do think I’m worthy of being loved but I think it’s hard for others to love me when I don’t love myself. I started thinking about all the shit I’ve been through and I honestly don’t think there was ever a time in my life where I really loved myself. I’ve loved moments, memories, and situations but, I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself. I’ve never had a positive self image, and you could say my self esteem has always been pretty nonexistent. Obviously my eating disorder and history of self mutilation have both played a huge part in my lack of self love.

I’ve contacted my insurance company and have nailed down a psychologist (Dr. X) that has agreed to see me. I think my problem goes above and beyond the physical part and it’s a deep seeded emotional issue that desperately needs to be tended to. I attempted to look up the term “abusing sex” and nearly every article that popped up had to do with sexual abuse rather than people that have sex to fill a void. I don’t think I’m addicted to sex but I guess that’s something Dr. X will have to tell me. I don’t have any intentions of going back on medications (I’ve been on/off meds and in/out of therapy situations since I was 10 years old).

I have great people in my life, my job is finally satisfying, and my future is looking bright…so why do I feel so low?

I’m coming to terms,
I’m starting to learn,
This ain’t all it’s cracked up to be…
-Carolina Liar

XOXO - Maxine

In Memory of Rob

Blogging might have to take a back seat for a while. My life has been somewhat topsy turvy as of late and I’m not sure what it’s going to take to get it back on track. Last week was the 2 year anniversary of my brother’s best friend’s death. I didn’t think it would hit me at all, never mind the way it did but since that day I’ve just been hyper-emotional. I’ve never been a very good sleeper, I’d call a good night about 4 hours, but lately it’s been even less than that. Rob, my brother’s best friend, committed suicide just as my brother started taking him to therapy sessions. After Rob passed, my brother went mute for about two months. I don’t think it’s that he couldn’t talk; I think he just didn’t know what to say so he chose not to say anything. I guess the marking of Rob’s death hit me and took me off guard. I almost never go on myspace but for some reason I did last week and I saw that my brother had posted a blog (which basically stated Rob had passed away 2 years ago and that he missed him). I clicked on Rob’s page and saw literally hundreds of comments; all of which were prayers, memories, wishes, and thoughts. Within seconds I burst into tears and continued to sob for the better part of two hours. I’ve lost family members, even friends, to suicide, but for some reason this just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Suicide is always something that is viewed in a negative light, and rightfully so, but can you imagine being so low, so depressed, that you literally cannot bare to live one more day, one more minute? I’ve been depressed, heck, I’ve been suicidal and I know what it’s like to feel so dark and so alone. It’s a terrifying experience and one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I’ll keep it short since I’m being an uber Debbie Downer. The question I pose today is this: When a friend is depressed, how do you help them? What’s the best way to comfort someone who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel?

Laugh through the pain…

XOXO - Maxine

20 for $10....But do you need it?

With a recession looming eminently overhead, I fear I’m going to turn into my grandmother, who hoards everything. You see, my grandma lives alone and has about 40lbs of butter in her basement freezer, she also owns about 7 cans of coffee but she only drinks tea. My grandma is about 92 and still very independent and does all her own food shopping but, being that she lived through some of the worst times in America’s economic history, she is very cautious about what she buys and she stocks up on almost everything. Today, I found myself buying things at the grocery store just because they were on sale and eventually I’m going to need them and when I will need them they’ll be more expensive. I’m really worried about this election sometimes and I haven’t blogged about politics for a while because I’m scared. I’ve learned that if I write them down, it’s real…if it’s an idea…it’s just an idea.
Anyway, things with Lousie have seemed to calm down and the apartment is returning to a general sense of normalcy. She has realized that 10mbf was really only interested in her for sex and that he isn’t the kind of person you’d want to have a relationship with anyway. I think it was just a harsh lesson she learned a little later than most people.
The question I pose today is this: Do you fear the looming recession? Have you since curbed your spending?

It’ll all get better in time…

XOXO - Maxine

Some Girls Never Learn

10mbf and Louise are speaking again. Apparently he’s treating the situation like it’s not big deal, whereas Louise is heartbroken. It pains me to see her hurting, c’mon I’m not totally heartless, but it’s also kind of sickening that she’s allowing this. I would have just cleaned my wounds and written it off as a learning experience (and I certainly would have gotten an STD test). Not every man is Prince Charming, oh and thanks Disney for making all girls think she’s going to be swept off her feet and live happily ever after…that’s not the case these days. I guess it’s just shocking to me that some people are still this naive when I’m as jaded as I am.
I guess this is the part in my blog that I should open up and let you in on why I’m as jaded as I am. I’ve been cheated on, abused, lied to, the whole nine yards but one instance in particular that makes me the way I am comes from a certain someone we’ll call Artsy McDouchebag. Artsy McDouchebag and I met when I was still in college. He worked as the assistant artistic director for a famous theater on Long Island and I fell head over heels for him from day one. He wasn’t like the other guys I had been involved with; he opened doors, held my hand, and waited until the third date before he even tried to kiss me. Fast forward about 14 months later. I was undergoing various health issues and my endocrinologist (fancy word for thyroid doctor) was testing me for thyroid cancer. I had developed huge lumps in my thyroid and my blood work was coming back fishy each time it was drawn. Artsy McDouchebag was very aware of my current health issues and was as supportive as anyone would expect a boyfriend to be. He came with me to doctor appointments, took me to get blood work done, and held me as I cried. We had talked about getting engaged and about having children and all that good stuff and I felt that this experience was only making us stronger. Apparently, that wasn’t the case. Eventually the stress of everything took a toll on my body and I stopped getting my period. Like any woman would do, I freaked out and took a pregnancy test, which came back positive. I called Artsy McDouchebag and told him about the situation…his response? “Don’t bullshit me” and I heard him hang up. I expected him to be upset and to freak out, but his reaction soon after broke my spirit for a long time to come. I gave him about two days to calm down and I made an appointment with my OBGYN. When I called him to ask him to come to the doctors’ appointment with me, I learned that his cell phone number had changed and that no further information was provided. I then drove to his house to see what the deal was and Mama Artsy McDouchebag informed me that he had moved down to South Carolina to work in a theater there and he is living with his cousin. As it turns out, I wasn’t pregnant and the lumps in my thyroid were concentrated pockets of something called Hashiomoto’s Disease. I haven’t spoken to Artsy McDouchebag in years; in fact he has no idea that isn’t a father. I’ve since realized that I am better off without someone like that in my life but the sting of what happened will always be with me.
After that little therapy session…the question today I pose is this: Have you been hurt by a loved one so severely that it’s jaded you? Are you more cautious when you encounter a similar situation?

That, that, that, that don’t kill me…will only make me stronger.

XOXO - Maine

What Grinds My Gears...

My blogging has severely taken a backseat and for that I am sorry…Anyway, here goes with today’s random rant. I did a large amount of driving recently and there are just too many things that happen on the road that piss me the hell off and I feel it necessary to share it with you…pictures and all. First of all, what is with those god damned stick figure people that soccer moms insist on putting in their rear windows that display each member of their family and, in some cases, they include their stupid ass pets. I don’t give a flying fuck who is in your family, I don’t care that you have three children that wear Mickey Mouse ear hats, and I certainly don’t give a fuck that you have a dog, a cat, a fish, and a bird…you’re not fucking Dr. Doolittle.

Secondly, I don’t give a fuck that you had a “baby on board” and there is no reason for you to display it in your windows. The fact that the spawn of a retard is in the car is not going to make me drive any better or any more cautiously...in fact, I’m probably going to speed up and pass you because your “baby on board” sign pisses me the shit off that I can not stand to drive near you anymore.

Third, I get that your religious, that’s your right…but do not cover your car in “I Love Jesus” and “Jesus Saves” bumper stickers. I don’t fucking care and I have the feeling Jesus doesn’t want white trash fucks covering their car with bible scripture. Forth, if it’s raining there is no need to be in the left hand lane, going 45 miles an hour, with your four way flashers on…WE KNOW IT’S RAINING!

Fifth (and probably most importantly), it’s wonderful that you’re a philanthropist, I love charity too, but wouldn’t it make more sense to donate that $5 to said philanthropic cause than to give it to CVS for a ribbon magnet that shows the whole world you’re a giver. Besides, isn’t it better to give anonymously and rejoice in the fact that you did something good than to boast about it?

The question of the day is this: When driving, what is the one thing that drives you absolutely insane?

I am no hussy!

I’m keeping it short tonight for the simple reason that I’m infuriated. I’m not going to talk about the debate because in my opinion Obama swept, McCain looked like a chipmunk (or as my father said “Did you see his face? What is up with that!”)
Why are you mad Maxine? I’m mad because my brother called me a hussy. I went on a date with someone last week and then last night I went out with a different man. What is so wrong with dating different men? When did taking a girl out and spending $50 on dinner mean she can’t date anyone else? Last time I checked…that wasn’t a relationship! If a man dates different women, it’s fine and he’s normal…when a woman does it she’s a hussy. I am NOT a hussy, I just like the company of various people. That doesn’t mean that if you buy me dinner I’m going to jerk you off, give you a blow job, or do the horizontal tango with you. I’m not a common whore, sorry to disappoint.
Enough is enough; the question I pose today is this: When a man takes you on a date (or you take a woman on a date…what have you) do you feel obligated to date only him? If you go on dates with other men, do you let them know there is more than one person in the picture?

When did feeling this good become so bad?

XOXO - Maxine

Listen Up Pin Heads!

I think I’m really horrible at blogging on Fridays and for that I apologize. I get so caught up in the celebration that is Friday, that my normal tasks escape my mind. Any who…10mbf hasn’t spoken to Louise since the incident last week and I wish I could say I was surprised…but what kind of upstanding, tax paying, birthday remembering man wears Timberland boots, basketball shorts, and a wife beater? Last I checked…no one. I do feel bad for her, kind of; she cleaned the apartment, baked cookies, and shaved her cooter. I think she got really excited only to be let down, which (even though Helen Keller saw it coming) sucks. I don’t know what she was thinking with him, from the 10 minutes worth of interaction I had to struggle through, I’ve come to the conclusion that he isn’t exactly the kind of man I’d take home and show off to friends and family, granted I don’t date the best men either, but that’s another story.
So the rescue bailout passed…but uh, the DOW closed today at 370 (after plunging 800). So is that better or worse? I came across a N.Y. Times article that really explains the bailout and put it into terms I think, and hope, everyone can understand. If you’re unsure of what the bailout really means, what it does, and who it affects, check the link below. Oh and according to the L.A. Times we’re in for a 5th bailout (for those of you who aren’t closely following…right now we’re at four with: Bear Stearns, Fannie-Freddie, AIG, and the Paulson plan.)

On a more random note, recently discovered by Noam Scheiber was a piece of paper from an 1996 Wasilla city budget, on the back of which Sarah Palin doodled and brainstormed her potential mayoral campaign themes ("time for a change," "you would be my boss!") and qualifications ("life-long alaskan," "NRA supporter," "taxpayer!"). Also has anyone heard that John McCain’s brother thinks Northern Virginia is “Communist country?” Way to be! While surfing youtube.com this weekend, I came across a video of a little boy playing Bill O’Reilly and it really made me laugh (link at the bottom).
The question I pose today is this: Do you watch the debates/follow politics? If you do, what’s your reaction to the current pickle we’re in?

McPalin: It’s give you heartburn and a double chin!

XOXO - Maxine

For the N.Y. Times bailout explanation:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/21/business/21qanda.html

For the L.A. Times bailout article:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/laland/2008/10/hating-the-bail.html

For a high quality scan of Palin's doodles:

http://www.tnr.com/OnlineScan.pdf

For John McCain’s brother being a jack ass: http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hby_5Pku5ywmfC_rEtEV5BcYKR5gD93KDFPO0

For the Lil O’Reilly video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-teM03FPUow

And So The Story Goes

I woke up today to find 10mbf had evacuated the premises and Louise was wondering what happened. I stumbled into the kitchen in search of caffeine and was bombarded with Louise’s’ story of her romantic tryst (I was not in the mood). Apparently they...boned…and then in the middle of the night, he just up and left, leaving her confused, bewildered, and just depressed. I attempted to console her; I told her she’s better off without someone like that in her life, she’s better off just masturbating more, yada yada…but really, I was laughing. I was jumping up and down scream “TOLD YOU!” I was being kind on the outside, but I was laughing on the inside. I then scurried off to work, knowing my day could only get exponentially better (which it did).
With the debate looming overhead…I found this little gem that begs you NOT to vote and then provides you the reasons that…ok….maybe you should. Either way, it’s clever.

I’ve never done shit on drugs besides play a lot of Halo 2…

XOXO - Maxine

For the “Don’t Vote” video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UaRXvRwhOk

Not Enough Advil In This Hemisphere

Just when you think it can’t get weirder…IT DOES! I was out with Cassie this evening and my phone kept telling me I had emails waiting for me but, seeing as I was having a nice time, I chose to ignore them. When I finally returned home, I logged into my email to find a message from an old flame named Jackson. My immediate reaction was to delete this particular piece of correspondence and move on with my life; however, the more I thought about it, the more I feel it merited a response. Now, here comes the embarrassing part of this story: the email I received was in response to an online dating website (where, for numerous reasons, I haven’t posted pictures). I am 99% positive that Jackson had no idea he was responding to me and that’s why a response was hard to write...very much like the Rupert Holmes' song "If You Like Pina Coladas." When we dated, I thought we (both he and I) had a good time but, seeing as he just suddenly stopped calling me, I assumed that wasn’t the case, swallowed my pride, and moved on. I wasn’t sure how to respond to his email without embarrassing myself so I did so in a manner that I felt was acceptable. Fear not, I’ll keep you all updated on the Jackson drama (if any arises!).
Now onto the Louise/10mbf situation…as stated yesterday, he did in fact come to spend time here, and as expected they had sex (finally!). When Cassie and I returned home from our evening frolicking around the city, Louise cornered us and informed us that Carl was now acting weird, my mental response went something like this “Well yes Louise…a man that you’ve known for about 10 minutes comes over to “hang out” with you, you then have sex, and you then are stuck dealing with the awkward aftermath of sex with a stranger! Very good!” Sometimes her naïveté is adorable, while other times it’s just annoying. I’m hoping that the horizontal tango loosened the stick from her bum. I would not be surprised if he up and left in the middle of the night (I just hope he locks the door on the way out!) but if he does stick around I’m looking forward to a painfully awkward morning.
What a night! The question I pose today is this: Have you ever taken pleasure in friends’ relationship woes? Does the phrase “better you than me” cross your mind from time to time?

You are just ridiculous -

XOXO - Maxine

Louise and 10mbf: The Drama Continues

Apparently 10mbf is spending the remainder of the week with us. When I asked Louise about it, she was stunned that I knew of his existence (apparently it’s a very hush-hush situation) and played it off like it was no big deal. I’m kind of scared that he’s going to slink across the hall and kill me while I’m asleep…I should probably lock the door. The thing that gets me about the whole situation is that Louise then went and told Cassie that I was being judgmental. Yes, Louise I am judging you, this is a VERY weird situation and I’m not comfortable. I’m not really comfortable having someone that you’ve met for no more than 10 minutes spending a few nights at my apartment. If she had a history with him, I think it would be different. I’m not sure how to handle this.
The question I pose today is this: In a situation where you are uncomfortable, how to you approach a change? Is there a simple way to get what you want without hurting or alienating people?

There isn’t always an easy answer…

XOXO - Maxine

Holy Schmoly!

I skipped my blog on Friday because I ended up taking a surprise trip to Albany to see the one and only, the legendary, the official queen of mean…LISA LAMPANELLI! Friends of mine called me around 5pm and told me of their plans to go up to the Palace Theater, an absolutely beautiful theater by the way, and invited me to tag along with them. At first I was a little weary about the whole thing because funds are tight right now, but I’d been having a rather stressful week and thought a break like this was well deserved.
As it turns out my weekend only got exponentially weirder from Friday on…Kyle and I finally got together on Saturday, and while I had a great time…it was weird. Have you ever been with someone you totally thought you’d connected with, only to find out that was NOT the case at all and the whole evening just looks weird in retrospect? That’s the rant on my weekend.
I do want to take a few minutes to touch on the latest development in the financial bailout drama. I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that the House has rejected the bailout (claiming to do so because too many voters were against it). I feel like I should be excited and that, in some weird way, my faith in humanity has been restored. The idea that seems to resonate throughout congress right now is that they don't feel its right to bail out renegade financial executives and companies. I found a quote that really just made me feel like maybe…just maybe, the country isn’t doomed: “Conservatives saw too much government interference in free markets and too high a price tag; liberals thought it provided too much help for Wall Street and not enough for distressed homeowners.” Wait a second, it seems like…no, this can’t be….BOTH sides are seeing eye to eye on something, it must be the apocalypse. I’ve also come across a new…fantastically hysterical drinking game relating to the presidential debates (link below). I suggest everyone checks it out.
Finally, I bring you news that really makes me laugh, although I don’t think I should be laughing. Last week a bunch of Somali pirates attacked and seized a Ukrainian ship off the coast of Africa. Somali is the world’s leader in piracy, weird, and about once a week they seize a ship. I really thought pirates were nearly non-existent and this little tidbit just made me chuckle.
Oh yeah…and there is a family in Arkansas that has 18 children. Why? Because they are religious zealots…Michelle Duggar, the fertile uterus aka mother of 18, said when asked if they will have more “We would love more. We really believe that each child is a gift from God. We would love to receive more gifts if the Lord sees fit. I guess we’ll just wait and see.”

The question I pose today is this: Have you ever laughed at something you knew was wrong to laugh at (ie - real pirates or Palin's unwed knocked up teeny-bopper? Did you feel guilty doing so?

Holy Shit…

XOXO - Maxine

For more information on the NON-existent bailout:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/mcclatchy/20080929/pl_mcclatchy/3058710

For more the rules of the debate drinking game:
http://airamerica.com/maddow/blog/2008/sep/26/rules-tonights-debate-drinking-game

For more information on the US Navy vs. Pirates:
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5iBJRGljzO-MrwMKW5CFFMbkUIBVw

For more information on the Duggar family:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26942419/

A Thought on Mental Illness

Mental illness is often viewed in a negative light in today’s world. I find that this is partly because the media thrusts such a negative connotation on to the subject and partly because the world doesn’t understand mental illness or those it affects (and I’m not sure if we ever will). The social stigma associated with mental illness is a widespread problem and it is something I believe we, as a society, have control over.
The media often depicts those suffering from a mental illness as being incompetent, violent, and dangerous, and tends to leave out the accomplishments of those suffering from these illnesses. Movies like “As Good As It Gets” and television shows like “Monk” show people suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder but those sufferers are often the butt of jokes, and don’t truly depict the daily struggles one encounters and the impact an illness like that has on daily life. However, certain movies like “Sybil”, which introduced the world to the horrifying reality of dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder) and “Donnie Darko”, which shed light on the mental illness known as schizophrenia, do a fair job in animating the reality of such illnesses.
The societal impacts of revealing that one suffers from a mental illness are often too much for the sufferer to bear. The US Surgeon General stated in 1999 that: "Powerful and pervasive, stigma prevents people from acknowledging their own mental health problems, much less disclosing them to others.” With this being said, those brave enough to admit their illnesses to the public are often forced to pay for something that is out of their control. Employment discrimination is reported to play a significant part in the high rate of unemployment among those with a diagnosis of mental illness.
The idea that someone would be discriminated against for something they have little or no control over makes me disgusted, and I have come to see that people are not as open minded as they’d like to believe they are. With this being said the question I pose today is this: Have you ever, either advertantly or inadvertantly, discriminated against someone because they suffered from an illness be it mental or physical?

Imagine all the people, living life in peace…

XOXO - Maxine

For more information on mental illnesses:
http://www.nami.org/

The Gorilla in the Room

Well folks, it happened again…Louise went and did it again! Cassie, Louise, Matthew, and I went to this great little Italian restaurant in Cobble Hill and Louise made the entire evening horribly awkward. As the rest of us were engaging in friendly conversation and witty banter, Louise sat by her lonesome text messaging her “boyfriend.” I use quotes when referring to her boyfriend because Louise and Carl met online, no there is nothing wrong with that but here’s where it gets weird, Carl was going to a bar with friends on the other side of town and Louise met up with him, after about ten minutes Carl and Louise parted ways, however, they still talked.
Fast forward a few weeks and somehow they are an exclusive couple…How does that happen? I thought in order for two people to enter an exclusive relationship, as this one seems to be, the two in question should probably spend more than ten minutes together. What scares me about this is situation is the fact that if Carl doesn’t instantly respond to one of Louise’s text messages, she freaks out and becomes the ultimate “psychotic girlfriend.”
Because of the fast paced nature of this “relationship” I will either be referring to Carl as Louise’s’ “boyfriend” or as 10mbf (ten minute boyfriend). From what Cassie and I have observed about 10mbf, we have come to the conclusion that he is simply pursuing Louise for one thing and one thing only…sex, which is weird because the kind of crap she puts this poor guy through would usually be enough for most men to throw in the towel. I’m afraid that Louise doesn’t see this but I’m not going to clue her in on it for fear of her backlash. She's rather oblivious to the gorilla in the room, but hasn't everyone been guilty of that at one point or another?
The question I pose today is this: Has a friend of yours ever entered a relationship that you didn’t approve of and you kept your mouth shut? When said relationship fell apart, did you say “told ya’ so” or did you play the part of the comforting friend?

Hate to say I told you so…

XOXO - Maxine

McCaintics

Last week I was channel surfing and I found myself watching MSNBC, a favorite channel of mine mainly because of the dapper Keith Olbermann. Now, normally I just watch Countdown and I go on my merry way however, this particular day I found myself watching a show called “The Rachel Maddow Show” and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Not only was the show informative but it was also quite entertaining. Now it should come as no surprise that I would love Rachel Maddow because Keith Olbermann credits himself for pushing Maddow into getting her own show.
So, on this particular episode focused on the ever popular bashing of Presidential candidate John McCain in a segment called “John McCain: Week in Review.” Let me just say this was possibly the most inventive coupling of McCaintics I have ever seen. I found it amusing that McCain seems to believe that fish enjoy swimming around oil rigs, in fact he actually said “they, uh, the fish…ha, everywhere…they, they, the fish love to be around those rigs!” Seriously MCain…Seriously?
In other McCain news, I found it entertaining that he couldn’t place Spain the correct geographical location, that he also is adamant that Iraq and Pakistan share a boarder, that Checzlovakia still exsists (which it doesn’t), and he doesn’t understand the difference between the Sudan and Somalia. McCain, are you aware that being President of the United States not only includes running America but it also entails interaction with the rest of the world and it’s leaders?
With all that said, the question I pose today is this: Has there ever been a time in your life where you were misinformed on something and you publicly spoke about it only to find out later that you were completely wrong?

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

XOXO - Maxine


For more information on “The Rachel Maddow Show”:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26315908/

For the “John McCain: Week in Review”:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/26798523#26798523

Cruisin the Crimson Wave

Just when you think things are looking up, they take a turn down for the worst. I had been seriously flirting with Kyle, a gorgeous guy in my office building, and he finally got around to asking me out for drinks after work. We were set to go to “Angel’s Share” and cozy up to some cocktails (with the explicit hope of some serious between the sheets time) and then Mother Nature stepped in and slapped me in the face. That’s right…I got my period.
Isn’t it weird that when you pray and pray and pray for your period to come so you know you’re not “with child” Mother Nature takes her freaking time, however, when you have a super hot date and you need everything to fall into place perfectly, Mother Nature has no qualms about reaming her devilish little head into your life and fucking it up severely. Sometimes I seriously think whatever entity rules this thing has it out for me big time.
Needless to say, this blog is a short one as the cramps and cravings are controlling my every move today. So, without further adieu the question I pose today is this: Have you ever planned for an event only to have Mother Nature ruin it at the last second?

What a drag…dude

XOXO - Maxine

"The People Pleaser"

I couldn’t be more excited for the weekend…My roommate Cassie is celebrating her birthday this weekend as is my friend Jess. Now, being the artistic, creative, fabulous person that I am, I have volunteered to make not one, but two cakes for the celebrations. I realize to some baking two cakes wouldn’t seem like a big deal but I don’t just bake normal cakes, I’m an “Ace of Cakes” worshiper and every opportunity I get I like to test my culinary prowess. This weekend I’m making a regular circular cake with decorations for Cassie and for Jess I’ll be constructing a 3-D nose. I also don’t just stop with carving the cakes and icing them. I also make my own, homemade fondant. For those of you who aren’t aware of what fondant is, normally it’s made from a sticky corn syrup and the taste is just horrible so I went and found a fondant that uses powdered sugar and marshmallows. Basically, I’m exhausted and I wish I have never opened my big mouth. After a tough week all I really want to do is sleep and party.
I always over-extend myself and spread myself too thin in order to please other people. Some say it’s nice that I put others before myself, but isn’t everyone entitled to be selfish sometimes? I guess today just wasn’t my “selfish” day…oh bother.
The question I pose today is this: When was the last time you said “no” and fulfilled your own desires?

I don’t know why I go to extremes…

XOXO - Maxine

Thinking between the legs

Sex for women has always been viewed as taboo, even in today’s “modern” society. If a woman publicly flaunts her sexual conquests, think Samantha Jones of Sex and the City, she is viewed as a tramp or the more commonly used word: slut. Personally, I love sex. I always have and I hope I always will. I love being taken by a man; his gruff touch, callused hands, scruffy five o’clock shadow and the smell of his cologne…that combination just makes me weak. I know certain feminists would argue that a woman shouldn’t need a man to make her sexual desires come true however for me, the man IS the sexual desire. There is only so much one can do with a box full of toys.
I don’t fully understand the negative connotations associated with a woman being promiscuous. As long as the woman is safe in her sexual in devours, then more power to her. People like Wilt Chamberlain, who claims his sexual conquests estimate 20,000, and Gene Simmons, who claims his sexual conquests estimate 4,600, are idolized by men where as if a woman claimed even half that amount she would be black listed as a whore. I am well aware that double standards are alive and well in the world but for society to put such a stigmatism on only one sex isn’t fair.
Something that always puzzled me about sex and the idea of modesty was the passage in the bible where Adam and Eve emerge from the forest cloaked in leaves. God made them to be perfect to one another, so why did they feel the need to cover up perfection. Adam and Eve were the only two human figures on the face of the earth and suddenly they are shy.
The question I pose today is this: Are you open minded when it comes to sex? Why do you think society has such a “don’t ask/don’t tell” view on peoples bedroom behavior?

When I think about you I touch myself…

XOXO - Maxine

For more information about sex:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex

For more information about Samantha Jones:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samantha_Jones_(Sex_and_the_City)

For more information on Wilt Chamberlain:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wilt_Chamberlain

For more information on Gene Simmons:
http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/archive/2007/11/28/gene-simmons-i-ve-had-sex-with-4600-women.aspx

On Alienation

I’m sure everyone, at one point in their lives, has felt alienated…as if your outside looking in. But, what do you do when you feel alienated in your own home? I’m not saying that having alone time isn’t nice but, it’s also nice to feel included and to feel like you are “one of the girls." I guess this sudden feeling of isolation stems from a recent “experience” at my apartment with my roommates, Matthew, Cassie, and Louise.
Cassie and I have been friends (on and off) for about three years now, and I’d like to think of her as a close friend, someone I can turn to and entrust secrets with. Cassie normally goes above and beyond the call of friendship and welcomes everyone with open arms and a warm smile. Louise, on the other hand, has often been described as a “loner” and has taken on the position of the “attention seeker” on more than one occasion. I’m aware the loner/attention seeker combination is often an oxymoron however, in this instance; it’s the only way to describe Louise. Now Matthew, he’s a breed all his own. A “free spirit” some would say…while more forthright individuals would just label him as a pot head, both are fairly accurate descriptions. Matthew works for a grass-roots organization and is rarely in the apartment, so I suppose this blog has nothing to do with him.
Anyway, back to my childish complaints…recently, Cassie and Louise have started hanging out together and going on various little day trips around the city (which I think is great and I love the fact that they are becoming friends *prior to us living together Cassie and Louise didn’t really know each other*) but, I often get overlooked in the planning stages of their excursions. I think the biggest issue I have with the current situation is that Louise has a rather bad habit of venting her frustrations with me to everyone but me and these therapy sessions usually take place while the two are out gallivanting around town. I know I’m not the easiest person to live with, everyone has their weird habits and I am no exception to this however, Louise chooses to complain about the most bizarre things. Her most recent complaint was that I fall asleep with the television on. This would be a valid complaint if Louise and I shared a room however; her room is situated on the other end of the apartment. How she could possibly be bothered by the fact that my television is on is really an oddity to me.
I used to pride myself on my resiliency and ability to let things slide off my back but lately I’m having a hard time being my usual, carefree self. It really is hard to come home and see shopping bags and take out containers and hear the giggling behind closed doors. One can’t help but think she is being talked about. Before my mother passed away, she advised me to take everything with a grain of salt. Mom, I’m afraid no amount of salt will help me with this one.
The question I pose today is this: When was the last time you felt left out? Or when was the last time you left someone out (intentionally or unintentionally)?

Smile, though your heart is aching…

XOXO - Maxine

Sarah Palin - An Individual Perspective

As the elections near, I think it’s important that we take the time to truly appreciate the abomination that is Sarah Palin. I have been privileged to discuss Governor Palin with many different people, from varying walks of life and it seems that you either love her, or you hate her…there is no happy medium. Many of the issues I have faced with Governor Palin seem to be the same issues that many others face. Certain questions remain unanswered.
My personal issues with Governor Palin lay in her unwillingness to answer certain questions and her general lack of knowledge on things that a candidate should be overly familiar with. I found it laughable that when Charles Gibson asked her what her opinion of the Bush Doctrine was, her response resembled that of a high school student to skipped the previous nights reading. (For those of your who aren’t familiar with the Bush Doctrine it is the phrase used to describe the various foreign policy principles of George W. Bush. Initially it described the policy that the U.S. had the right to treat countries that harbor or give aid to terrorist groups as terrorists themselves. In years to come it included additional elements, such as the controversial policy of prevent war, which held that the U.S. should despose foreign regimes that represented a threat to the security of the United States, even if that threat was not immediate, a policy of supporting democracy around the world, especially in the Middle East, as a strategy for combating the spread of terrorism, and a willingness to pursue U.S. military interests in a unilateral way.) I also found it interesting that Governer Palin is in favor of the Ukraine and Georgia entering NATO (North Atlantic Treaty Organization) and she leaves open option of war with Russia in the event of a Russian invasion of a NATO member.
I am also unwilling to put my nation in the hands of a person who believes that the war we are currently engaged in is “a task that is from God” Now, I’m aware I’m not a person of God and I don’t associate with any form of religion, but I do have a problem with someone that believes that war is “Gods plan”.
My last rant for this blog is in the form of questions. The question I pose today is this: How can a person be both pro-life and pro-death penalty? Isn’t the mentality of a pro-lifer that all life is sacred?

Question everything...

XOXO - Maxine

For more information on Sarah Palin:
http://gov.state.ak.us/

For more information on the Bush Doctrine:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bush_Doctrine

For the Charles Gibson interview:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNPGnZurs1k

For more information on NATO:
http://www.nato.int/